Rust and Purpose

Ah purpose, you old chestnut.  A chestnut I spend much time stressing and sweating about.  Of course I want to have a purpose.  I want everyone and everything in this world to fulfill or surpass it’s potential in purpose!…but often, instead, I find things falling short or not having any upward trajectory at all towards this high concept of fulfillment.  Myself included.

Worrying about my purpose in life has kept me up at night.  I decided long ago that I wanted my purpose in this world to be to make a difference, make a positive difference on the world around me, and I do try my best (swear!), but very often I feel like I’m coasting along and I’m not finding so many opportunities to make a positive impact.  I choose the path of least resistance, I take the first job that falls in my lap and ensures me survival.  Then I spend all my time on it so I don’t have time for anything else.  I don’t choose purpose.  I don’t make complicated choices.  I don’t have the luxury to.  Or, maybe I’m not giving myself that luxury..or time to find it?

It’s very easy to get caught up in the cogs and just rotate around on auto-pilot, running through the motions like a mechanical doll, on repeat until the rust sets in.  This is where I feel like I’m at sometimes.  Ruts.  They are like gaping bottomless pot holes littered all around the vicinity and there are very few warning signs, or people who know when to grab your arm and tell you you’re getting too close to one.

I rationalize out this lack of direct purpose by saying maybe I am where I am because this is where I need to be.  Maybe the universe has big plans for me and I am where I am for a reason.  Maybe it’s only the doubt in me that says this is a rut and I should have made decisions rather than meandering the paths that opened up before me.  It’s really hard to know whether you’re on the right track or not.  Now and again I think I am really on to something and then other times I have an overwhelming feeling of totally lost.

There always just seemed in my life to be more pressing and immediate issues than ‘what is my purpose in life really and how do I move towards fulfilling it?’  I mean can someone not just tell me or show me or remind me?  I’m very busy here with my books and my blogging and my work and my social and family life.  Can someone not just do me that one wee favour of highlighting my true purpose and then I’ll get to it- put it in my calendar for next week and I’ll make sure to fulfill it ok?

No, because it’s not that simple.

Because knowing your true purpose is like having treasure, and finding treasure is almost more fun than actually having treasure, that’s why they hide it.

I just hope I don’t rust before I figure mine out.  I might set aside some time in the diary each week just to think about it…or get the hell on the case and stop coasting.


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